Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Tyrannical Dictator Prearranged Funeral Plan

Is your iron grip on your population slipping away?  Afraid the U.N. will be freezing your world wide assets?  Have other rogue nations started to turn their backs on you?

Act now!

The Tyrannical Dictator Prearranged Funeral Plan will help in the event of your capture at the hands of freedom fighting rebels.

Highlights of the plan include:

Execution Consultant -- We have all seen the videos of poorly organized executions:

Our execution consultant is trained to prevent execution mishaps like these.  Also, we screen those attending executions so jokers and taunters are excluded.

Extended Family Relocation Service -- Unfortunately, there is little anyone can do to protect your immediate family, especially males, from the wrath of a downtrodden populace.  We can, however, provide instructions to more distant relatives on how to conceal valuables in underwear, create false documents for refugee applications, and where to find corrupt ship captains twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

Superpower Special Operations Stealth Face Saving Service -- If final capture and torture at the hands of angry rebels is not for you, we can, through our vast contacts in the world wide intelligence community, find a world power willing to launch a covert operation on your behalf.  This service guarantees you will be shot by commandos trained at efficient killing.  Your body will be extracted for anonymous burial at sea.  This avoids the embarrassing situation of leaving a grave which can be defiled.

Act now while you have the international liquidity!  Payment may be made in bullion, bearer bonds, and other untraceable financial instruments.  Failure to act immediately could lead to your inability to make payment!  Your time is limited so take advantage of this offer without delay.

    • New Service!

      The first five callers can try the basic service free with the purchase of the Superpower Special Operations Stealth Face Saving Service.

      Historical Revisionism Misinformation Time Capsule

      This wonderful new service will plant information for later generations. It is guaranteed to rehabilitate your historical image. Capsules are timed to be found by future archaeologists and historians. The basic service guarantees you historical deniers. If you require an even better image, other plans are available to guarantee you a post-nominal title such as: "The Great", "The Brave", "The Magnificent". We also offer this service to the leaders of major religions. Some of our most requested religious post-nominals include: "The Pius", "The Martyr", and "Defender of the Faith".

    • Now hiring Arabic, Korean, and Persian translators.
    • Sales update: We have just finished a promising teleconference with Bashar Al-Assad.
    • The TDPFP is seeking sales people. The successful applicant must be outgoing fearless. As the positions require explaining the writing on the wall to tyrannical dictators who may still command significant armed forces, no health, disability, or life insurance benefits are part of the remuneration package.